Valentine’s Funtime saw Aphrodite smile upon our happy band of Funtimers as we celebrated love, romance and all aspects thereunto. A brand-new Betty bestrode the stage, bringing her own brand of glamour and voodoo mathematics to the evening. Also present were four German ‘Muchen Tuchen Men’ who had flown in from Dortmund by mistake.

The evening witnessed perhaps the loveliest parade of balloon cupids ever to grace ‘the auld reeker’ (Edinburgh municipal district), with judge Betty declaring all having either “lovely wings” or “nice wings”; which was quite an achievement. Team ‘The Love Birds’ cupid, Mr Rick, won the round with an extraordinary pair of balloon underpants complete with a gentleman’s how-do-you-do. Well done! The inaugural film round ‘Hello Sailor’ saw midshipman Chris kissed eight times in half an hour, right on The Mound. And only the Dortmunders knew this.Mr Dave (Britain’s Premier Sock Retailers), who studied under Monsieur Papap at L’Accademie Du Kazue in Sauvignon, dazzled us all with some virtuoso blowing of both kazoo and birthday cake candles. The night, though, belonged to ‘Pope Benedict XVI’s Children’, who destroyed the opposition like a papal bull at a china gate. Their victory rested on two titanic performances from Mr ‘the arm of calm’ Geoff who won the ‘Tower of Strength’ (playing their joker), and ‘the Greenock rubberman’ Mr Ailean who bent over backwards to win the limbo competition with a new low of 4 feet 3 inches! They scored 88 points, and severely de-stocked the pond of prizes like some kind of environmental disaster; winning the cheese board, space bouncer, glassware, Quality Street, beer, a lad’s night in, and Edgar the cuddly elephant toy. We will miss you, dear Edgar.

The winners February 2010 ‘Pope Benedict XVI’s Children’.