The black leather gloved finger slid the safety catch off, and caressed the trigger of the Funchentimen 950 sniper rifle. The night shattered at the concussive crack from the gun barrel, and the prancing dandyman, Wilson, jerked backwards, sprawling lifeless across the prize table. He was dead, dead as a doughnut.

As luck would have it, this didn’t happen as we celebrated our first birthday with a Double ‘O’ Funtime, which, just like Roger Moore’s James Bond, exploded all over May Day.

Ten teams joined battle in our secret lair. The balloon engineering specialists went through their paces, building some spectacular balloon jet-packs, with a number of teams electing for an oral balloon arrangement; which was either breathing apparatus or some kind of gyroscopic fandangle. The Tower of Strength was Mr Cameron of ‘Luxtremendor’ with a winning time of 05.05.35.

The winners of Ding-A-Ling were ‘The Fizzy Flying Saucers’, whose Mr Blair also nearly won the limbo competition, with some amazing contorting for a big lad. Our limbo champion was the extraordinarily flexible Miss Jessica from ‘The Dunderheeds’; the team would have certainly lived up to its name without her sterling effort.

Hats off to ‘The Odd-jobs’, our runners up with 52 points winning the artificial fawn. It was a little dear, but we think they’re worth it. The winners, with 60 points, were ‘Luxtremendor’, who wrung the whiskey, the small Bond cars, the flame-thrower deodorants and a cheeky monkey from the ever-benevolent Kerrchinko machine